Mud Season Survival
1. Feign indifference. If the mud senses you’re afraid, you’re doomed.
2. Dress in the style known as “dairy-farmer chic.”
3. Tie a bright-orange cloth around the top of your car antenna. People can use it to spot and rescue you in the event you sink completely out of sight.
4. Call your grocer and ask him to bag your groceries, being sure to include two extra six-packs of beer. Now call in and report that your house is on fire, and ask the firemen to pick up your groceries on the way. The beer, of course, is a reward for the firemen.
5. Don’t take any dirt roads you’ve never been down before. There’s a generally shared suspicion in New England that certain uncharted roads are one-way in every sense of the word.
6. Grow older quickly. Mud and children have a natural attraction to each other. As you get older, mud is much less attracted to you. Why the mud is bored by adults and enjoys the company of children isn’t clear.
“Advice From a Mud Season Survivor,” by Kerry James O’Connor, March 1985